Since I was 11 years old (roughly, I don't remember much from my childhood), I felt so lonely and bored in life.

I either made bad friends or no friends at all throughout high school. For several years, I was mostly left to my own thoughts and devices, sometimes in more recent years also looking and watching others do what I am unable; none of those people even knows of my existence. I feel very envious.

Seeing others succeed in life, whereas mine is no more valuable than dogshit left inconsiderately on the sidewalk is gonna make me crashout.

I try to do things that require social interaction on here nowadays. Though I don't have much to say, so almost no effect.

I don't think I'd be able to force something out, y'know when you are in a conversation, and someone says something and you don't know how to respond to it, so you say "yeah..." or "mm...." that would probably happen if I attempted to force something out, and that would feel very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I'm a very amoral person. I outright know that I have no values because they are malleable, and my whole worldview changes depending on the mood or circumstance. I make a new standard if my current one inconveniences me.

Many of the actions I take are based on self-interest, and some actions that seem selfless are for external validation only. I couldn't care less about other people's fortunes and misfortunes, no matter how big or small it is. It doesn't affect my mood in any way, I genuinely can't help feeling apathetic towards others' lives and circumstances. I only feel upset at things if they affect me personally.

If I acted supportive or empathetic to other people in unfortunate circumstances, then it just feels fake; it feels like I'm pretending to be something I'm not, it feels incredibly unnatural, deceptive even.

like, there would be shit that people would feel genuine moral outrage, nauseating disgust from but it just doesnt affect me

at all. Why should I care about whatever tf is happening in the US if I live elsewhere? Why should I care about bigotry if I don't fit the description of what a target would look like? Why should I care about someone getting bullied if I'm not the one who is getting bullied myself? Something like that.

idk why this is, perhaps I was raised wrong, perhaps I was socially underdeveloped or something.

This is a persistent personality trait that I have had for many years now.

school had finally ended.

It actually ended a couple of weeks ago, we now only go to do exams, but we nolonger have to attend normal school days.

I dont think I will ever see that place as anything more then a shithole full of bum ass roadmen.

I remember back then, I was absolutely full of pure rage I had been suppressing for 3 fucking years. If I told you how much disdain and pure feral anger I was brimming with, because of those low-life roadmen, this post would be deleted by a mod. I was on the lowest of my school's social hierarchy, so highschool life was too shitty to be worth missing deeply. Good riddance to this school, thank fuck its the last time I have to see some of my classmates.

y'know, i remember one of those wannabe roadmen once got expelled from my school for actually carrying a knife to school, the same guy was rumoured to be fapping under the table in class. what a sick fuck, glad he is gone lmao, Isnt it nice when the trash takes itself out?

I can't believe it's actually over after all these years. It feels kind of nostalgic, although I detested this place; everyone was under the same roof. I will likely never see these peoples faces ever again, nor will I ever remember anyone I ever spent time with, and neither will they, as we start branching off, we all start working, some of us become successful, others might have to do go back and and resit a whole year, others might get apprenticeships, others become NEETs, others become actual gangsters, drug addicts and parents at 17.

It's all over. After exam season ends, we are about to face the consequences of our behavior at school and our results, which will impact us for the next 40 years of our lives. Damn...

sorry if this post is hard to follow, im just writing down every thought that came into my head.

if god is real, does that make us his OCs?

Is Jesus Christ his sona?

me revising 2 years worth of school knowledge in one night (the first time I've ever actually revised before) :

I am so bored, today is a boring day, every day is a boring day. I've got nothing to do, I don't interact with the world very much, I tend to lock the door and stay in my room.

even though there isn't much to do inside my room, there's probably even less to do outside. So I don't bother, unless it's necessary.

I just browse the internet, eat food, think, or unlock my door and walk around the house. I mostly live my days doing whatever brings the most gratification and contentment at the current moment.

I don't have many friends, I've got one I guess. I don't have much in common, I don't value him very much, nor does he, both of us know that fact very well. I suppose it is better than being alone, so im going with it.

I see people making a group of friends in about 1 week, but it takes me months if not years. How do people do that? that is bullshit.

I talk to myself a lot to fill the time. A lot of the things that I think about are mostly kept to myself. The things that I think about are either just comments on mundane things or conversations with myself.

That is mostly how I spend my time.

I am so bored.

"whenever I feel pathetic, I remember that X exists and I feel better about myself."

I am that degenerate troglodyte that people refer to when they make such statements. my issues are very peculiar and unique and also goes very deep. i may not ever talk about it. i am the stereotypical discord mod/4channer/redditor/etc... every aspect of myself is like that. i lurk the internet, i sit home all day, i eat like shit, my sense of integrity is shit, i live like shit. i have no dignity, i am terminally online. ive been living the slacker life for months now.

it had been a week since the new year. shit is boring, life is boring. throughout thew whole year, i remained the same, exactly unchanged. and dissatisfied with every aspect of life. and remained dissatisfied with life, for years. i remember in 2023 christmas, seeing people interact, talking, and being overall normal, respectable members of society (i know everyone has their own issues, but you don't know me, so you cant apply that type of reassurance to me.), whilst I lurk the internet in my small dingy room alone, and in existential dread. i was very restless during that time. nothing changed much in years. what a pathetic, shameful way to live.

im not dead. (yet)