I feel like I wasted such a big chunk of my teen years, and I wasted all of my high school years.

The reputation I had back then was "The autistic retard who will snap one day." since I was bullied so severely that I had developed sadistic thoughts about these people, I don't think they had evidence, but they completely knew just from seeing how much I let things slide and how little I reacted on the outside, and also because I was socially inept, despite my best attempts to frame it as asociality or distance instead of clumsiness that could be exploited. Never mention the topic of bullying near me.

I put a lot of effort into being as inconspicuous as possible because I hated attention. I was never seen outside in any context other than school. I did not want to be noticed by my classmates, whom I despised. If I ever do go outside, I always scan the area before I open the frontdoor to make sure no one I know are present, and I frequently scan the crowd around me like a lifeguard if I am ever in a public place like a park to make sure there is no one who is around 13-19 years old in my vicinity.

I never raised my hand up ever out of fear of humiliating myself if I gave a wrong answer, or seeming like a bootlicker if I gave the right answer; in both scenarios, I would've lost, so I don't bother.

I deliberately didn't even interact with girls at all, and I completely shunned them and avoided any conversation or interaction with them, even if the context was innocent, and I had been doing this for the past 5 years. This is all in an attempt to prevent any witnesses from starting rumours about me. I recognise, even if my intentions are innocent and inconspicuous, that doesn't matter, because the context can be bent however way any a person witnessing the interaction wants

I deliberately don't even look behind me in class for similar reasons aswell, so no one has any fuel for any rumours, I can just look at the time from my phone if the clock is on the wall behind me.

I never talked about what I do at home or what games I play, or what media I liked, if someone ever asks me, because I had a feeling I would get made fun of for it.

The past friendships I made in school, I was used as a punching bag or a filler friend, I was frequently the butt of every joke, and was made fun of for several things, and so I despised my shitty excuse of friends. Though the last friendship I made was kinda chill, I guess. It was a vibe.

I wasted so many good years. So many people are looking back at these years as amazing.

I sat at my leavers' assembly party feeling so disappointed. My friend didn't attend, so I didn't have much to do. I saw the shirts of everyone else, and saw that, surprisingly, a lot of them enjoyed a lot of the same media I did, so I felt disappointed. Seeing others enjoy their time, whilst I sit like an old man in a nursing home, feels like a taunt. So many missed opportunities, what a shame, I do not look forward to much.

I just realised I can't edit my forum replies, I can edit my blogs and other stuff, but for some reason not my forum replies. I can still see others who can. Does anyone else have the same issue? Was this always a thing, or is it something new? That is strange...

I don't think that the idea behind it sucks, but the way they are protesting about it sucks. This is the most non-issue and weakest form of protest I have ever seen.

Changing your profile to Clippy does nothing in the grand scheme of things. It does nothing to interrupt their business, it doesn't affect them in any way that would force them to even acknowledge you.

I bet that after a couple weeks, when all of the commentary channels finish talking about it and move on to the next controversy, we will all forget about it, and this protest will die down after a week or two, and we will eventually get used to it and put up with these companies' practices. I think clippy pfps will still remain, but the overall protest will fail.

I realise I am a truly awful and fucked up depraved person, I think various dark and violent, and sadistic things, usually when certain topics are mentioned, and I often feel low amount of guilt for them.

I worry less about the fact that the action and thought are immoral, or how how I would impact others if such thoughts or actions involves them, and instead, I think more about how my actions and thoughts impact the way people think of me or my social standing, I realise even if an action hurts my feelings, the thought is not "i did something bad" it is "I did something bad, if other people knew, I would lose my reputation/ be hated upon" whenever I think these thoughts the majority of the time, and that is usually the thought process I have whenever I do something bad or immoral in general.

I get highly fixated by violent thinking when those topics are mentioned. I had especially been this way since I was 13 years old, perhaps even 12 years old. I genuinely think I am in need of psychiatric evaluation.

this is just for art trades, cuz I can't put images in private messages for some reason

things like this reminds me why I never listen to the news, it is all for the sake of mental health, I get an immense sense of hoplessness and stress, but now I am forced to, if NG ever goes on a paywall, I would fall in massive despair. I dont actually mind the act itself, I dont care about it, because I dont think it would even affect me, but what I am most afraid of is the idea of a slippery slope. my day had been ruined and I am now in despair.

This is an extension of this post

I have been hearing of a tragedy that had happened recently, not that I celebrate them happening, but I am reminded of how absolutely apathetic I am to anything that doesn't affect me at all. Upon watching it, I dont feel sorry or angry or upset at all for what happened, I moved on from it too quickly.

I think I have a diluted sense of guilt and remorse, too, in comparison to others I have observed on top of my apathy, but I may get into that in more detail in a future news post if I ever do

This seems like it would be a problem for me.

How do people keep making friends on this place? I have been here since 14, yet I still have no friends.

I know you're supposed to join collabs or draw stuff or whatever, that is common advice, but even then, I do that, and there are no results. There's more to this than what's on the surface. The joining collabs thing is just a starting point; I know nothing else beyond that.

When I join collabs, think of it like this meme:

What do you do in this situation?

I know that there is more to do than just joining collabs, so I must take some sort of initiative.

I don't usually have much to say, and I don't know what I am supposed to say.

You can't just ask random people that you want to be friends with, but they don't even know you, "Do you want to be my friend?", because that's just dodgy.

You cannot just message or interact with people whom you've never even interacted with before, because then that's also dodgy.

And you also can't just join in a conversation, they never asked for your presence, and even then, what do you say?

You are unable to start small talk because you are just forcing them into a conversation they never asked them to be in, and what do you even talk about in that case?

What can you even do?

This site is my only connection to society. I have no other accessible means, I'm not independent enough to be able to go outside on my own, due to the fact that I don't know the area around me, because I only go outside usually once every 2 months or something. I'd probably get lost if I'm not accompanied by family, and I'm afraid of running into my former classmates or being looked at by other people in general. If I ever do go outside, I will stay vigilant and scan my surroundings for anyone I recognise from back in high school to ensure peace of mind. I want nothing to do with anyone I used to go to school with; every one of them is trouble. Whenever I do go outside and see someone about 14-17 years old, I feel very uncomfortable, and these people are everywhere. goddamn nuisances.

Going outside feels like a painful chore, and I'm not even trustworthy enough to go outside on my own. I could take a short walk, but even then, with all of these factors, it would be very uncomfortable, bordering on distressing.

I also have no friends currently.

So I spend my time on here scoring interactions through the BBS or blog posts instead.

Now that school had ended, I find myself with a disgusting amount of free time to piss away doing chronically online shit for 10 hours a day.

I had remained unsatisfied with my life for the past 5 years. There was one feeling that stuck around for many years, and that was the feeling of exclusion.

I live my life entirely inside my room, and seeing thousands of people actually living a life worth living, however, I sit there and observe them alone, sitting inside my own room with my meager amount of options, extremely bored, and doing whatever I can to entertain myself. That makes me feel very envious.

I've been staring at screens indoors all day long by myself since I was about 7 years old, and not much has changed. I seriously think I still have the same level of independence as then, so life was bound to get boring eventually.

im 16 now

hip hip hooray!