I feel like I wasted such a big chunk of my teen years, and I wasted all of my high school years.

The reputation I had back then was "The autistic retard who will snap one day." since I was bullied so severely that I had developed sadistic thoughts about these people, I don't think they had evidence, but they completely knew just from seeing how much I let things slide and how little I reacted on the outside, and also because I was socially inept, despite my best attempts to frame it as asociality or distance instead of clumsiness that could be exploited. Never mention the topic of bullying near me.

I put a lot of effort into being as inconspicuous as possible because I hated attention. I was never seen outside in any context other than school. I did not want to be noticed by my classmates, whom I despised. If I ever do go outside, I always scan the area before I open the frontdoor to make sure no one I know are present, and I frequently scan the crowd around me like a lifeguard if I am ever in a public place like a park to make sure there is no one who is around 13-19 years old in my vicinity.

I never raised my hand up ever out of fear of humiliating myself if I gave a wrong answer, or seeming like a bootlicker if I gave the right answer; in both scenarios, I would've lost, so I don't bother.

I deliberately didn't even interact with girls at all, and I completely shunned them and avoided any conversation or interaction with them, even if the context was innocent, and I had been doing this for the past 5 years. This is all in an attempt to prevent any witnesses from starting rumours about me. I recognise, even if my intentions are innocent and inconspicuous, that doesn't matter, because the context can be bent however way any a person witnessing the interaction wants

I deliberately don't even look behind me in class for similar reasons aswell, so no one has any fuel for any rumours, I can just look at the time from my phone if the clock is on the wall behind me.

I never talked about what I do at home or what games I play, or what media I liked, if someone ever asks me, because I had a feeling I would get made fun of for it.

The past friendships I made in school, I was used as a punching bag or a filler friend, I was frequently the butt of every joke, and was made fun of for several things, and so I despised my shitty excuse of friends. Though the last friendship I made was kinda chill, I guess. It was a vibe.

I wasted so many good years. So many people are looking back at these years as amazing.

I sat at my leavers' assembly party feeling so disappointed. My friend didn't attend, so I didn't have much to do. I saw the shirts of everyone else, and saw that, surprisingly, a lot of them enjoyed a lot of the same media I did, so I felt disappointed. Seeing others enjoy their time, whilst I sit like an old man in a nursing home, feels like a taunt. So many missed opportunities, what a shame, I do not look forward to much.